Yes, my love of 90s music is undying. LET'S JUMP RIGHT INTO IT.
That party I went to for which I made the other 90s playlist was actually a Friends themed party. And so obviously I had to make a pop music playlist (which does, in fact, include the Friends theme song).
If Dane Cook can be in a f*cking Kevin Costner movie, then I can do anything.
If celery can be mostly water but still be food, then I can do anything. If Jason Lee can name his kid Pilot Inspektor without consequence, then I can do anything.
If I, a mere mortal, am 99.9% genetically identical to Beyoncé, then I can do anything.
If I wake up tomorrow and puppies still exist, then I can do anything.
And then do that weird thing that Matthew McConaughey does where he beats his chest like a caveman, smack yourself in the face and scream, "CLEAR EYES. FULL HEARTS. CAN'T LOSE," and then throw on some lipstick 'cause BITCH, YOU READY.
Yay!! Free alcohol! Thanks, Guy. Very convenient, since I just ran out of money. I don't know why I look like a woman who wants a more expensive, less fun version of sangria - but I'll take it.
I'm sorry we laughed at your friend when he said he was "an investment banker, you know, for the money – but my true passion is charcoal drawings."
It's just that, you know, are you for real? Oh god, I'm so sorry, I did not realize we were in a Hugh Grant movie, I must not have gotten the script - if you see one lying around, let me know. Joseph Gordon-Levitt is maybe the only person who could get away with that sentence. Maybe. Or Swayze in 1987, but that's it. End of list.
I literally just googled "charcoal drawings" and a charcoal drawing of JGL was the third photo, so I think my point stands pretty firmly on its own.
So thoughtful. So sensitive. Men in overalls 2Kforever
Also, I'm sorry that we didn't believe that you were in the "Royal Marines." It's just that I don't know what that is, and you're like 3 inches taller than me. And you tried to explain that the Royal Marines was the British equivalent of the Navy SEALs, but I'm pretty sure you just don't understand what the Navy SEALs are. Like, if this were true, you definitely wouldn't be in some Camden dive bar that used to be horse stables wearing a tweed suit and buying Amaretto Sours for every American Lady you see. I dunno, but you'd probs be in some top secret base camp drowning your friends and then trying to revive them as a trust exercise because that's the kind of crazy shit the Navy SEALs do. You're having a hard time selling your case, bro.
I should have just asked you to do 500 pushups. :(
But, as always, thanks for the free, not-poisoned alcohol. See ya never, Bar Guy.
(Originally published for North By Northwestern, Oct. 13th, 2014. Some edits have been made).
Stand-up Comedy is, for most people, a very scary thing to try and do. But, if you do end up getting on stage, it also has the potential to be the most immediately gratifying, ego-boosting experience. It's like the Tindr of performance: seems very strange and uncomfortable at first, you're pretty sure you might offend someone, and when there's a match you're 100% sure you're the hottest shit in town. And when there isn't a match...you start to question your entire existence. (That last part might be more relevant to tanking on stage than it is to playing on an iPhone app).
Chances are you’ve probably seen some kind of stand-up routine during your life, whether during your violently pubescent middle school days, or recently, as you take a breather in between shotgunning cans of PBR. Maybe you were alive and conscious in 2007 and owned a Dane Cook album that still haunts you every time you go to the B.K. Lounge. Or, at the very least, you once overheard someone say the name “Louis C.K.” and just assumed it was another quirky Internet cat that makes more money than you.
I wish I had realized before my first comedic endeavor that consumption and production are two very different things. Don’t worry – this isn’t a horror story about how I embarrassed myself, peed my pants and then accidentally said something racist. In fact, if this doesn’t completely sedate you, I hope that it encourages you to try stand-up yourself.
This is the story of how I lost my virginity.
Only kidding – I’m saving myself for Harry Styles.
Kidding again – but it felt less exciting to say this is the story about how I overcame my anxiety and found something I really enjoy doing, because that’s what happened.
At my first show, I was slotted after a 40-something-mid-life-crisis-divorcé who seemed really concerned about not being able to find a decent glory hole on the Upper East Side. Open mics and amateur nights tend to be an eclectic mix of older white guys who suffer from an uncomfortably obvious level of sexual frustration. Needless to say, my jokes were not about my ex-wife who stopped giving me blowjobs the day we got married. Instead, I talked about what I knew. I talked about what it means to be a woman who’s short enough to wear crop tops as regular t-shirts. Here’s rule number one: If you can tell a decent story, you can do stand-up comedy.
What audiences react to is sincerity. Which is not to say you can’t embellish what you say – because you can – just as long as your intent is genuine. I’m not a professional, nor do I have decades of experience on stage, but I think it’s safe to say that everyone knows the feeling of wanting to be funny and trying to make people laugh. This might be the most obvious statement of the century, but that’s all stand-up is: looking for the best way to make people laugh. And there’s no reason to be afraid of that or to think it’s unattainable. I guarantee you that at one point or another, somebody other than your mom has laughed at something you said.
I was so nervous for that first show that I still get nervous thinking about how nervous I was. It was like PTSD, if that weren’t a serious medical disorder that I just likened to a time I spoke into a microphone. The point is: I was a mess. I had practiced all week. I had spent the whole day pacing around my room memorizing and rehearsing. I had written my set list on the palm of my hand and on a bar napkin I kept in my back pocket. The lights were hot and blinding, and I made the rookie mistake of wearing a shirt you could see my pit stains through. But despite all this, it went really well.
Actually, because of all the nerves and the sweat and the shaking-so-much-I-almost-lost-control-of-my-bowels thing it went really well. My nerves allowed me to be present and excited. The audience is always smarter than you think they are, and they’ll inevitably reflect how you feel. If you’re happy and excited to be there, they will be, too. That’s rule number two: Nerves are good and grounding.
Rule number three: Don’t assume the audience is automatically on your side, so get them to be. Convince them you’re worth listening to. That first show actually went so well that the next time I went up the butterflies had subsided and I was overconfident in my set. There was an immediately noticeable difference in the reaction of the crowd. If you alienate them or offend anyone, they’ll stop listening to you completely. I’ll admit the line between great crowd work and blatantly disrespecting your audience is a fine one, but as Abraham Lincoln once said: If it ain’t a learning experience, it ain’t worth your time.
So here’s rule number four: Everybody – and I mean everybody – tanks. And it’s a good thing because that’s how you develop and refine your work. People like Louis C.K. are so good at what they do only because they spent enough time being bad at it. You’ll leave that dingy, brick-lined basement that’s a functional laundromat by day and a semi-functional comedy club at night knowing what works and what doesn’t – and wanting to get it right the next time. And even if you don’t intend to work in comedy, trying your hand at stand-up is a great way to teach yourself how to be a better writer and communicator – which is vital for any profession you might go into.
It's an oddly comforting phenomenon - knowing that the best of the best have been where you are at one point or another. When you're surrounded by 12 year old fashion prodigies (Tavi Gevinson) and 20 year old SNL rookies (Pete Davidson), it's very easy to become frustrated and consumed with thoughts of "well if I haven't made it by now, then it's never gonna work." But that's the kind of anxiety that stand-up has taught me to sucker-punch to the face, either just when I'm watching other people do it, or when I'm performing in those dingy laundromats. Because when they laugh, it's not just that they think you're funny, it's that they feel the same way you do or they've had the same experience. You haven't just made a joke, you've made someone understand that their weird, fucked up little brain isn't the only weird, fucked up little brain on this hunk of rock and lava. Or, you're just really good at making fart noises in your armpit. Either way, you're doing something right.
Plus, if you have a few great jokes up your sleeve, drunk people will think you’re the hottest thing since Dane Cook and buy you lots of gin and tonics.
(If you want to know more about comedians, watch Mike Birbiglia’s Sleepwalk With Me and Jenny Slate’s balls-out, boss-ass performance in Obvious Child. Interview collection And Here’s The Kicker: Conversations with 21 Top Humor Writers on their Craft and Sarah Silverman’s The Bedwetter are excellent reads.)
My taste in music tends to run the whole gamut, but if there's anything I can count on - it's Bruce Springsteen and 90s hip-hop.
If I could get Biggie Smalls' face tattooed on my face without it being morally and socially reprehensible, then I would. But while I'm waiting for that to become acceptable, I made a Spotify playlist. Actually, I made this playlist for a 90s themed party that I went to a couple months ago. I rolled in lookin' like Bobby from Twin Peaks and I was very excited. And some girl had the nerve to ask me if I could play any Waka Flocka Flame and I almost imploded.
It's pretty ~mainstream~ and there are some random not-totally-hip-hop songs, but if you're looking for throwback memz – this might be worth it.
(If you're about to tell me that some of these songs aren't from the right time period, don't. 'Cause we all know the 90s ended in 2003).
And I don't know why I expected anything different, but surprise surprise, a powerful group of cranky old white dudes has disappointed me once more. Honestly, though, we should know better than to leave them in an enclosed space together for too long when the breathing in of their own fart fumes obviously affects their ability to make good decisions. So instead of wallowing in the whitewashed pigsty of the Academy, I have made my own list of my favorite movies from 2014.
Obvious Child
I don't think I say this quite frequently enough, but Jenny Slate is the love of my life. She's so wonderful. She's so wonderful and she's like a magical puppy dog who barks at its own farts and uses the word 'pussy' a lot and I've never loved anyone more. Also the movie itself is fantastic. Female director, charming love interest, real issues that face women, stand up comedy, feminist discussions, ~humor~. And it's a crisp 90 minutes, which is exactly the sweet spot of indie comedies. Watch on Netflix.
Birdman
amazingamazingamazingamazingwowowowowowowlikesogood. I could stare into Emma Stone's bug eyes for all eternity and I think I just might. Hilarious. Wonderfully directed. META.
Whiplash
I gotta be honest, I love me some Miles Teller. I think he's wonderful, as is JK Simmons. This movie is so sadistic and I shit my pants 7,000 times while I was watching it.
Wild
It's hard to really put into words the life that Cheryl Strayed has led. Thankfully, she did it for me because this film is based on her book (also called Wild super convenient thank you I have the memory of a string bean). I love this book so so much. And Reese did a wonderful job with the adaptation, which makes me happy because it's just too good of a story to fuck up. Apparently, Reese optioned the rights to make this movie before the book was even officially published, so clearly she put her heart and soul in this thing. WHAT AN EMPOWERING LADY I ALSO HIGHLY RECOMMEND YOU LISTEN TO DEAR SUGARWHICH IS A PODCAST CHERYL DOES AND SHE IS SO WISE AND HER WORDS ARE SO BEAUTIFUL.
The Guest
hamana hamana hamana. Downton Abbey's pretty easy on the eyes, yo. Not only was this the ~hottest~ movie of 2014, but it might be my favorite horror/thriller movie of all time. BUT LIKE, WAIT. I know a lot of people don't like horror movies, but this is no Saw 7 or Final Destination 15. It's smart, and it's darkly comic at times. And there are delicious nods to Hitchcock and it acknowledges its influences on influences. I highly recommend this film. Also, dunno if I mentioned this earlier or not, but Dan Stevens is so great and also his face is pretty good. Like, look at that introductory shot. With his stupid schoolboy charm and his stupid coif and that one hair that's out of place and his icy blue eyes and his stupid smirk ugh UGH.
But seriously he's so hot I want to set myself on fire
Selma
This movie was long overdue. But they sure as hell did it right. A slow clap for Ava DuVernay.
Gone Girl
After I saw this movie I just sort of sat around with my eyes really wide going 'fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck' for like 3 days. More female psychopaths 2K15!!!!
Snowpiercer
Visually stunning.Based on a graphic novel, though I haven't read it so I'm not sure how it compares, but you can tell. Be warned, it's very long. But it's worth it. It's also on Netflix cha-chiiiing.
Ida
Foreign film. Haunting. Beautiful. Black and white. ~art~
The One I Love
It's best if I don't say anything about this one. Don't google it, either. Stars Mark Duplass and Elisabeth Moss, plus it's available on Netflix – if that's enough to get you interested, then just dive right in.
The Lego Movie
NO ONE WAS EXPECTING THIS FILM (YEAH THAT'S RIGHT ~FILM~) TO BE AS EMOTIONALLY POIGNANT AS IT WAS BUT HERE WE ARE, CRYING INTO OUR BOWLS OF POPCORN.
Nightcrawler
*shivers* so creepy. jake gyllenhaal, why are you so good at playing such creepy characters?? I want to be concerned but really I just want you to do it some more.
We Are The Best!
Punk will never die, also on Netflix.
Top Five
I love this cast so much. I like to see this film as meta, but just on its own the narrative is really stellar. Also, the lols and Chris Rock.
